Monday, May 3, 2010

just another manic monday

gavin had to me moved back to the oscillator last night about 10pm. they were having to increase his pressures to a point where it was becoming unsafe for his lungs. imagine a balloon that is inflated over and over and a little bit bigger each time - it looses some of it's elasticity. that's what they don't want to have happen with gavin's lungs. for us we have noticed a pattern. he started on the vent on low settings and then slowly increased on his settings to the point of needing the oscillator. now that he's on the oscillator, their goal is to keep him on low settings and keep him stable so they can continue to grow him, but our fear and concern is that he will need to continue to go up on his requirements on the oscillator. please God, hear our prayers and the prayers of others to spare us from going down this road again. we have already been here and they were some of the scariest days of our lives.
i am so tired. i know that tracee is worn down to the bone. i'm not much of a surfer but i always wanted to be. i'm looking to catch that really great wave and then ride it for a bit - have it carry me to shore - carry me to safety. i'm trying not to let my heart be troubled. i'm trying to cling to God's promises and to be a good leader for my family. i continue to cry out for my son.
as i visited him this morning he was just all over the place on his settings. the nurse practitioner mumbled about the idea of going back on steroids again. they are checking his heart by doing an echo to check on his PDA valve that is open in all preemie babies just to see if that is playing any interference into things with his lungs. if he has to be on the oscillator then we are fine with that - but we need him to be stable there!!
Please: this is a call to action, once again, to pray for gavin and for his stability and for ours as well. he is 4 weeks old today and tomorrow he will be (on paper) 31 weeks.
i would be lying to you all if i said i didn't hate this. time is an interesting thing. in some regards time heals things, it grows things, it improves things. in other regards, it erodes things, it evaporates things, it prolongs things, it batters things. tracee and i know that gavin's time in the NICU is long. we have come to understand that and embrace it. but to continue to go through anguishing cycles over and over are the places in time that get to be too much. i want off this rollercoaster, but the name of this ride is "gavin's life" and so there's no way i'm getting off.
i choose to dig deep and to focus on what i know to be true but i certainly don't understand right now.

thanks for meeting me where i'm at right now.



  1. We will continue to pray for gavin and both of you!

  2. I check this blog daily awaiting news on your sweet little man. Thank you for including all of us on this journey, thank you for allowing us to see God at work in and through each of you. I appreciate your vulnerability and authenticity in the midst of this storm. Know my family is praying for you and so many other friends here in IL. My 3 year old son, Jackson, prays for Gavin without being prompted. We have cried out to our Savior on your behalf so often. As I prayed after reading this post today two verses came to mind that I remember being such a comfort as I watched my nephew in NICU 8 years ago. I pray you can continue to cling to our God and go to what you know in this time. All my love and prayers to you all!
    Beth (Natschke) Griebel

    "Let us then approach the throne of Grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

    "During the days of Jesus' life on earth he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission." Hebrews 5:7
    (I love this picture of Jesus praying with loud cries and tears, something you know so well now)

  3. I can't imagine all of the ups and downs that you guys are going through. It has to be emotionally and physically exhausting. When you feel weak and tired, remember that the body of Christ is lifting you up and praying harder than ever!
    Psalm 34:19
    Many are the afflictions of the righteous,But the LORD delivers him out of them all.

    Ashley B

  4. You don't know me, but I'm praying for Gavin. My husband and I are friends with Eric and Becca Holt and found your blog from hers. Thought it might encourage you to know some of the prayers going up for your sweet baby boy.

  5. My heart breaks for you and Tracee in the place that you are right now. I know this is the hardest season of your life and that we are trusting God to carry you all through! I am praying you get that wave that carries you all to safety! And Gavin's little body is in my constant thoughts and prayers. Praying that he grows stronger each day. He is our little fighter and he will teach us all how to live!!! I love you all!