Tuesday, May 10, 2011

i'm not that strong

i read a blog post from the mother of a little boy who just passed away a few days ago from neuroblastoma. this is a very rare form of cancer. as i read her account of the final hours and of the bravery that the whole family displayed, i found myself in tears in my office. i'm talking serious, hurting tears. it doesn't seem to really matter what the circumstances are that lead up to the pain and heartache this woman and her family were enduring - or any other family for that matter - it is the fact that they were in severe agony and pain over the hurting of their child.
gavin has left an indelible mark on our family's heart. his remarkable story of survival and the pain he has endured to get here is really beyond measure as far as words are concerned. i love my little boy more than anything. my dear tracee loves our little boy more than anything. i'm pretty sure i'm not that strong. there is something about the innocence of a baby or a child that breaks your heart for their life in ways i never thought about. life is so convenient, until it's not.
tracee and i were up on stage on sunday for mother's day being interviewed by the pastor at bethany bible church. the message was on the courage and faith it takes to be a good mom. my wife exudes this beautifully. one of the questions that he asked us was "did you ever expect something like this to happen to you?" answer: no. how could we really? 2 very healthy athletes get married and decide to start a storybook life together with an all natural pregnancy and a beautiful full term baby as the result. we never once thought about a premature birth. who did i know who's had a preemie? no one. we can't say that now, as our lives are filled with preemie babies and their beautiful parents who love and care for them.
our life together was picked up and turned on its head and we've been forced to pick up the pieces very slowly. i'm not very patient. but then i stop and realize that i've been in this storm for well over a year now and wonder how to actually measure my patience.
i pray the same things over and over again. i sound like a broken record and i feel like one sometimes as i keep pleading for the same things over and over again from God. please strengthen his little body...please heal his lungs...please help him with his reflux and his feeds...please heal his eyes...
i have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results. am i insane? i do that. i do the same thing (pray) over and over again and expect a different result than the one i've gotten every single time. i won't stop praying though.
anyways, i'm not that strong. it was way too scary to even read the blog post about her losing a son let alone actually losing a son. if anything, through this journey, my heart and emotions have become aligned with the hurting, the less fortunate, the long suffering and the oppressed.  
i like that my eyes have been opened to the hard knocks that this life can bring, primarily because it causes me to long for better days - a day when the Lord returns and a day when there is no more pain and suffering - when we get to see Jesus face to face.