looking back, looking forward

tonight, i looked back at all of our posts in 2010. i began in march when we first found out about everything going on with gavin. i have not yet caught up to present posts. to be honest, i am too emotional tonight to read any further. it's weird how i have forgotten some of the specific, terrifying ordeals, yet i can instantly go back to that day as soon as i read it. actually, it seems like i have done that a lot today.

this afternoon i brought his baby swing downstairs because his occupational therapist wanted to see if he still fit in it. i placed gavin in it and turned it on. as soon as the music started playing, i became shaky and anxious. i remember each of those songs. i remember them playing the first months that we had gavin home. i remember how sick he was and how tired he looked swinging in it daily. i was also instantly taken back to how my house looked when gavin was first home. it looked like a hospital. jeramy and i took turns sleeping on the couch downstairs as we took 4 hour shifts at night while the other one slept. there were machines, monitors, cords, tubes, feeding pumps, and numerous alarms. i stood there stunned at how fast all of those memories came back from a song and, as you can imagine, i turned the music off rather quickly.

then, this evening, i was holding gavin after he finished his bottle. ironically, i was holding him while i was wearing the same exact tank top i wore when i held him for the very first time. the nurses would place him right in my shirt. and now, i cry thinking about how big he has become...much too big to fit in there now.

i'm glad i looked back at those blog posts and i'm thankful for the tears i shed after hearing those songs on his old swing. gosh, i have been crying throughout writing this entire blog post. in some ways, it is hard to look back and become so emotional, but in other ways, it's really good for perspective. gavin has come so far and i am beyond thankful for what God has done in his life and in ours. i am also extra thankful for each of you tonight. you stood by us and continue to stand by us as we go through this journey.

i am feeling convicted tonight. i am impatient. i sometimes doubt God's faithfulness and His goodness. i, too often, ask Him where He has gone and why He has forgotten about my family. but looking forward, i will remind myself that God is who He says He is. He is faithful and He is good. i need to be patient. the verse that is on the green bands that we had made for gavin is jeremiah 29:11 "for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to give you a hope and a future". i need that reminder tonight because so often, i recite that verse without fully taking in its truth. Father, thank you for the reality check today.