Wednesday, January 12, 2011

new year. new outlook

every year, millions of people approach the new year in one of two ways. one, they either become nostalgic-thinking back on all the wonderful things that happened in their life in the past year, OR two, they are so elated to see the passing of the previous year, focusing all of their attention on the year to come-hoping it will be anything but what they experienced in the past 365 days. i don't know how your 2010 was, but for me, i originally wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. my heartache in the last year overshadowed the happiness....and there was happiness. i was just too hurt to see it.

the biggest thing i have personally dealt with is the feeling of abandonment. that word may seem quite deep and a bit extreme. believe me, it is. but i felt it. i have never before been to the point that this journey has taken me to. at times, i didn't know how to handle it. i felt more isolated than the word "alone" does justice describing. even amidst the support of my husband, family and friends, I FELT ABANDONED. thankfully, i have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ; however, even with that relationship, i still struggled a ton. why was it that i felt abandoned by a God who is always with me? i really wrestled with that.

one thing about my journey over the past 9 months is that i changed a ton. i changed the moment i gave birth to that little boy. with gavin in such critical care, i began to take his life into my own hands. i watched skilled nurses and doctors save his life every single day. i learned how they did it. i listened and i asked questions because i refused to sit there while people talked about my child and not understand what their words meant. so yes, in some ways, i became very much like a nurse.

parents of typical children go about their day trusting that God will keep their kiddos breathing. but i watched machines breathe for gavin for months. and even now, i watch machines provide oxygen to him. and people control those machines. i didn't know how to balance that. i didn't know how to trust gavin's life to Him while doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists and even myself had SO much control over his outcome. it became exhausting to me. i couldn't sleep, i couldn't even think about anything else. it consumed me. and THAT is when i started to feel abandoned.

now, i am sure as an onlooker, the solution and answer is obvious to you. but it wasn't to me. when you are in the midst of a crisis, nothing is obvious. i see now how God is not only in the picture, but He IS the picture. gavin wouldn't even be here if God didn't have an ultimate plan for him. and gavin's life is HIS job, not mine. my job is to raise that boy to know Jesus. i am not supposed to have His job. it is exhausting for a reason. it isn't meant to be done by imperfect people.

originally, i did think about leaving 2010 behind without looking back twice. but that wouldn't be a good idea at all. God taught me a lot this year and it would be foolish of me to move past it having learned nothing-having not reflected at all. so....i will take it with me into 2011 and learn from it. i will constantly remind myself not to take gavin's life into my own hands (because i will forget) and i will remind myself that i am not alone and i will remember that in the times that i felt like i was.....He was right there with me.

i hope that you all have a wonderful year and if you had a rough 2010, i sincerely hope that you can find something to reflect on never know how it can help shape your 2011.

all my love,

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