a tiny glimpse

yesterday was a big day. everything started out great. gavin was a doing really well when i got there in the morning. i knew in the back of my head that if he had good blood gases and remained stable on c pap, i would get to hold him at 2:00 during his touch time (this would be my first time holding him). everything seemed to be going well with all of his stuff, except his blood gas, where his carbon dioxide levels were a lot higher than the doctors wanted. i knew that another blood gas was coming just before 2:00 and i had such high hopes that he would stabilize. aside from the reason of wanting to hold him, i wanted him to stabilize because he seemed so much more comfortable when he was extubated. he was able to lay on his tummy and his side and they took him off of the majority of the sedatives he was on, which also told me that he was more comfortable. well, around 1:00, he began desatting rather quickly. we knew that this was a possibility since he came off the steroids the night before. they had him at 100% oxygen and he was still desatting. i knew instantly that his little body just became too tired to keep breathing all by himself. it all happened so fast and my emotions definitely got the best of me. surprisingly, holding him was the last thing on my mind...all i could think about was him needing to be intebated once again and how bad i felt for him. i was so proud of my little guy for pushing so hard for 3 days all by himself. everyone was shocked he made it that long too! one of the neonatologists and nurse practitioners reintubated him, but had a hard time getting the size 3 tube in because he was swollen from the suctioning that they were doing trying to keep him on c pap if they could. amidst trying to intubate him, they needed to bag him in order to give his lungs enough air. that is, by far, the hardest thing to watch as a parent. the doctor ended up intubating him with a 2.5 sized tube. we could all still hear gavin making little squeaks around the tube, so he knew that once the swelling went down, he would need to reintubate him with a size 3. they gave gavin some sedation to calm him during this process and he was now stabilized. our nurse practitioner told me that i could still hold him while he was intubated. i was ecstatic!! i immediately called jeramy to have him come down to the hospital so he could be there to share the moment with me.

they do what is called kangaroo care, where they place the baby directly on the mother's chest. it is really good for the baby and it is really good for the mom too :) they got me situated in the recliner and transferred him from his incubator to my chest. they tucked him right inside my shirt. at first, i was really nervous because of all of the cords he has attached to him, as well as the tube in his mouth. i didn't want to move anything. right when i felt him, though, all of those anxieties immediately went away. jeramy got there right at that time, which was perfect! lindsay and his nurse got everything taped down where it wouldn't move and got his sats back up (when micro preemies transfer from their incubators to their moms/dads it is quite the ordeal). after about 5 minutes, jeramy and i got to enjoy some alone time with our son. the lights were off, the curtain was pulled and we were able to get a couple short videos of our time spent with him. i knew that gavin was small...one pound 9 ounces isn't huge after all. but once i had him on my chest, he felt even smaller and more fragile than i could have ever imagined. it was the most amazing feeling ever. he did so good...he was super calm and was so still. however, his tube had quite a large leak in it though, because it was too small, and as the swelling went down, he began desatting rather quickly. after about 10 minutes of kangaroo care, the nurse and nurse practitioner came in and i knew instantly that our time was done. they called quickly for the doctor to come to his pod and the nurse practitioner began bagging him while he was on my chest. he wasn't getting enough air in his lungs from the tube, or the bag, so they moved him in a VERY quick and scary way from my chest to his bed. instantly, people were all around him. they continued bagging him until the doctor came and reintubated him with a size 3 tube. jeramy and i cried a lot in the hall of the NICU, after what was a very scary and emotional experience. watching things change as quickly as they did was terrifying. we decided that, once they got gavin situated and stable, we would head home. it was a very rough day, but i caught a tiny glimpse of what it will be like when i can hold him for longer periods of time. depending on how he is doing, we should be able to hold him for an hour, every other day or two. we can't wait...
oh...and look how tiny his little hand is. that should give you a pretty good idea just how tiny this little guy really is...

i got to the hospital today and heard that they had to reintubate him once again because his tube was too high. it truly is never ending and a little bit of my heart breaks each time i hear about things that happen to him. we trust these nurses and doctors so much with our son though and i am so thankful for each and every one of them. today, however, i hit a breaking point. maybe it was everything that happened yesterday or my lack of sleep last night from having continual, detailed nightmares about what happened yesterday that i just couldn't escape from...i don't know. but i needed to come home and sleep or at least try to sleep.

please pray for us. every day is a struggle. every day we cry. every day we feel like we reach a point where we can't do it anymore. thankfully, however, in the moments where we feel like we really can't do it anymore, God gives us just enough strength for one more day. so pray for strength....we need it.

leaps and bounds

as you are all well aware, life in the nicu is all about living minute to minute. everything can and does change so fast. well, it appears to be doing just that...at least for now :)

gavin is the little mystery of the nicu! even though my doctors calculated my due date for july 6th, there has been a lot of debate about that date. the perinatologists, as well as the staff in the nicu believe that my date was more around the 18th. based on that, gavin was actually born at a little more than 24 weeks gestation. this also corresponds with how he looked when he was born based on his size, his eyes, his weight, his lung development, etc. at this point, no one knows, but they don't really use his "gestational age" in the nicu because they do not believe it is accurate. this makes him even more of a miracle!

on tuesday, gavin opened his eyes for the first time!!! i was so thrilled that i got to be there for that. it was so funny because at first he only opened his left one. his right one was still a little fused. by the end of the day, though, he was opening and closing both eyes! every time i see it, i feel more and more connected to him. the connection piece is so important to me because my head knows that i'm a mommy, but my heart doesn't yet...i can't explain how that feels exactly. there is nothing in my house at all, except an empty green room, that reminds me that i'm a mom. but i think i'm supposed to just "know" that i'm a mom. when i get in the car, there's no car seat, no crying. but i'm just supposed to "know" that i'm a mom. i carry my diaper bag to the hospital every day, but it just has my journal and a water bottle in it. but, again, i'm just supposed to "know" i'm a mom. the only place i go where i actually FEEL like a mom is right next to his bed. man, i can sit there all day. people always ask me if the days go by slow, or if i get bored. no way! see, all i can do to be a mom right now is to sit there. i don't know how to do anything else for him. if i'm lucky and if he's stable, i sometimes get to place my hand on him. if i'm really lucky, i get to help the nurse change his diaper or even wipe his little mouth. but that's it. so, i LIVE for those precious moments and i couldn't imagine being anywhere else. i wouldn't know how to be anywhere else. it's weird, because our house looks and feels the same it did before we got pregnant, yet we know that something has changed. we have a son now but do we really "have" him? no. we don't. amidst the uncertainty, i place all confidence in the Lord that, one day, we will have him and our house will feel different......i will feel different.....

jeramy and i knew from day one that a huge goal for gavin would be moving from the oscillator to the ventilator. since everything that had happened last saturday, we were told that this wouldn't probably be happening for some time. so, when the doctor came in yesterday and told me that he wants to look at moving gavin to the regular ventilator, i thought, "well, yeah...in due time that sounds like a plan to me too!" he stood there for awhile talking about gavin's sats to one of the nurse practitioners and i became increasingly interested in what they were talking about. i overheard him say, "go ahead and get the respiratory therapists and we'll make the switch". i stood up and said, "now? you're gonna switch him now??" i was in such a state of shock, i couldn't believe it. i called jeramy and he was in just as much shock as i was. we began praying and asking people to pray that his little lungs and body would be able to withstand the change and would be able to maintain proper oxygen levels. we didn't want to switch back to the oscillator (which was/is a possibility). the switch went so smoothly and he responded wonderfully!

today, we woke up and, as our everyday routine, we went to the hospital. as i was signing us in at the counter in the nicu, i looked into his pod and noticed something very different. since i am in that pod all day, every day, i notice any change whatsoever. today, i noticed a change. the ventilator was turned off. what a bummer. my heart sank immediately and the first thought that came to my head was, "man, they had to put him back on the oscillator". however, as i looked closer, i noticed that the oscillator was nowhere to be seen. my eyes focused in on this new machine...a machine i hadn't seen before. all of these thoughts happened so fast in my head and jeramy was already in his pod talking to his nurse. as i walked toward his room, the thought came to my mind..."c pap?" right as i thought it, i heard jeramy say, "he's on c pap!!" for those of you who are not familiar with that word, that means that he is not intubated anymore!!! i couldn't believe it. after all, it was just yesterday that they decided to switch him to a regular ventilator. as it turns out, they started the c pap last night around 10:00. it has been almost 24 hours and he is still holding his own on it. this means that gavin is doing a ton of the work right now. he is able to breathe on his own with a little assistance. he has this little mask on and he even gets to lay on his tummy! when he was intubated, they couldn't move him very much so this makes me so happy because i imagine that he is so much more comfortable! so, it got me thinking, "what is this ventilator still doing here by his bed??" well, as is common in the nicu (especially with micro-preemies), they oftentimes will switch babies to a new machine as a "trial" and usually have to go back to their old machines once or even more in order for their lungs to mature/develop more. so...there is this table with all of the medical equipment neccessary to re-intubate our child, if need be. it is laid out in such an organized fashion that terrifies me. i do not want him back on those machines. i do not want him intebated. there is nothing worse than seeing your child in what i can only imagine is a very overwhelming and scary state. also, when he is intubated, they have to give him more sedation. i hate that part too. my heart wants him to be off as many things possible, especially the things that can cause long term side effects. when we left the hospital this evening, they were keeping a very close eye on him and even turned the ventilator back on at one point, as it looked like they were going to reintubate him. but...he pulled through that little rough patch and i plead with you for your prayers...

• please pray specifically for gavin that he can maintain on his own while on the sipap
• please pray for his lungs. although he has made the switch from ventilator to ventilator over the past 2 days, his lungs are still the same that they were, he is just getting stronger so, right now, he has strength to take breaths. so, pray for continued strength.
• as gavin comes off the second round of steroids, he will need even more strength and maintenance with his breathing and it becomes a bigger risk of him going back to the ventilators.
• also, while he is on c pap and is not intebated, we can do kangaroo care, which means i can hold him. we aren't there yet as they want to see him stabilize on the c pap....but we're so close i can almost feel him. please pray he can maintain. i long so much to hold my little boy and i feel like i'm almost there......

God, when i was growing up, i knew you were big. but i didn't know HOW big You were. as i drive to and from the hospital, i cannot help but look at your creation...the intricacies, the magnitude, the beauty. i have NO DOUBT that You are bigger than this. You are bigger than medicine and You are capable of healing my son in a way that can ONLY be described as a miracle. shame on me for ever doubting you...as a friend told us on saturday, amidst our suffering, "one thing he knows to be true is that, no matter what, GOD IS GOOD....."

this too shall pass

so things have been up and down. more down than up in this turbulent time of life with a child in the NICU, but God continues to sustain us. i try to remember to take each day, not even day by day anymore, but more 5 minutes at a time. in difficult times, life seems to be much more managable when you approach it in those increments. i love reading the posts on facebook and the continued commitment to pray for us and for gavin. one particular comment on tracee's page came from one of her teacher friends that i loved reading. she told us that she just kept having this reoccuring theme: this too shall pass.
it was so timely for tracee and i, and a fantastic reminder of the cyclical nature of life. there are peaks and valleys. there are extreme highs and devastating lows. for most of our marriage, we have experienced some real adversity. you might be thinking "most of their marriage? they haven't even been married that long!" and you are correct! we have experienced several hospital stays, a house move, a job change for me, financial difficulties and of course; an ongoing trauma with our first child...all in the past 10 months. counselors say that any one of these things can be huge stressors in life and we've had em all. So, due to the cyclical nature of life, we are anticipating that year 2 will be phenomenal!
ok, so as i was meditating sunday afternoon on what tracee and i have gone through over our short but never-a-dull-moment marriage, i came back to that wonderful reminder that this too shall pass.
i had tickets with some guys at work to go to the suns first playoff game on sunday night, so i made the determination that i should go and try and get some normalcy back. so i headed to the game. as we got settled in, i noticed that there was no one sitting in front of me. i didn't think much about it, other than i thought it was great that at a playoff game that should be completely sold out - no one was there to block my view. as the game went on and the suns struggled i started to people watch a bit. i happened to notice a girl 2 rows in front of me with a tattoo across her shoulders. it said something but i couldn't make it out as her hair was covering most of it. as the game progressed, i began to see that the first word said "this" and then that the last word became visible as "pass".
ok, i'm real intrigued now. i honestly don't think i could tell you much of what the 3rd quarter looked like as i attempted to decode the rest of this tattoo. i became pretty convinced as her hair would move from side to side that this girl's message to me said: this too shall pass. sure enough, it did. i couldn't believe it! of all the people who could sit 2 rows in front of me in a huge arena, this girl does. in a sold out game, nobody sat in front of me so that i could see this girl's back. at this point i was texting tracee to tell her what was happening, but i really wanted a good picture of the whole thing so i could show her and encourage her but her hair was in the way and had been the whole game. as i pulled my phone out to take the best picture i could, she reached her hand around her head and pulled her hair in front of her shoulder; out of the way. it was amazing. here it is...

God delivered a message to me using these 2 women. there is no such thing as a coincidence. God is good. He knew i needed to hear and see that. God may not speak audibly as in the Old Testament times, but He certainly spoke through these circumstances. i hope you find this as encouraging as we did!

jeramy

pushed to the edge

let me start with the good news: tracee's headaches are much improved and she is slowly on a better path to recovery. she is still real tired and wiped out from much activity on her feet but that is to be expected. in fact, i think the only headaches she gets now are from crying. she had one of those yesterday.
we had a consult with the neonatologist and one of the nurse practitioners about what their plan of attack might be over the next 24-48 hours yesterday morning on the phone. they explained to us that they wanted to go over any questions we might have about gavin's lungs and what their plan of attack was going to be since, once it was time, they would need to act quickly if gavin's body was showing he needed additional support. let me stop right here and explain that because of just how poor and sick gavin's lungs are and have been, they wanted to give him a steroid to help improve function. gavin's urine output had decreased significantly and he had put on a lot of fluid weight which made him look puffy. his blood pressure was low and his heart rate was high. there was concern that he might be fighting an infection that was causing all of this (his cultures haven't shown to be growing anything)but they just couldn't tell.
After getting off of the phone with them, tracee and i spoke and understood that they may be calling us but we didn't expect a call anytime soon. we went to lay by the pool for a while. a few hours after our initial phone call with them, we got a call from the dr. that they wanted to go ahead and meet at 6:30 to go through everything with us because we had reached that time to go ahead and talk about giving the steroid. of course, tracee and i had been praying that we would never reach that point and that gavin's lungs would RESPOND! turns out that they didn't and so tracee and I got cleaned up and made our way to the NICU. when we got there his vitals weren't great and so we discussed the plan again. we agreed that the steroid was the best possible option for gavin but that it is very rare to be given in babies his age. normally babies that are 4 months old would get this type of boost. we were told he would be getting a very low dosage and that should help protect him against potential risks such as cerebral palsey and decreased IQ. they went ahead and administered the steroid about 7ish and we hung around for about 20 minutes to see how things would begin to go. the dr. explained to us that it would take several hours for it to begin to show signs of improvement and that if we didn't see any positive results we would address it again about 6 hours later. we cried. we prayed. we asked God to shine His face upon us and to show us His healing and goodness. one of the NNP's cried with tracee and i. she let down the side of his incubator and let us both kiss his little head. what  a precious and unforgettable moment for us. we really like her. she has been taking such good care of gavin. her shift was over at 7pm but she didn't want to leave. i know that in that moment i certainly felt like Abraham going up to the alter; being asked to sacrifice his one and only son.
we had plans to meet the goble's for dinner and decided to do so because we were teetering on the edge as it was and needed their wisdom and Godly encouragement. as we sat at dinner and cried and shared our emotions; our prayers and hopes were with gavin. tracee felt responsible as if this is her fault he came so early. i felt like everytime we cried out to God for His healing touch on our boy, it was to no avail. our ultimate fear is to lose our son and we both had to acknowledge that and confess that to God out loud. He already knew in our hearts what we were feeling but i know for me i was so afraid to go there because it just seems like that was/is going to be the outcome. we stopped by the goble home after dinner to grab some pillows and clothes to wear as we stayed in a room they had available in the NICU so we could be close to gavin. when we arrived, his night nurse said that he was doing pretty well (considering) and that he had begun to pee which was good. both tracee and i checked on him and i talked to the NNP and she felt like the steroids were working and that he was showing signs of improvement.
we headed to bed - it felt good to be about 200 feet away from gavin at bedtime instead of 30 miles. we prayed as we drifted off to sleep. about 8am this morning we got up to check on him. he had a pretty good night! he pee'd a ton! in fact, on 2 separate occasions, he pee'd so much that he soaked through is diaper and they had to change out all of his bedding! what that really meant was that his blood pressure had improved, his kidneys were working again and his heart rate and saturation rates were much improved. his chest xray from this morning looked better than yesterday but still hazy. this was the move from God we were looking for!
gavin began to do some of the work again and i know that the whole staff was relieved. gavin is the sickest baby in the NICU right now: those were the words of the dr. yesterday afternoon.
we have been pushed to the edge; camped by the red sea with no where to go, looking for God to make a way. He has led us to this place, we PLEAD for a way of escape.
today we are trying to catch up on some rest back at home and hoping that the phone doesn't ring today. they are really going to work at "cautiously being aggressive" for gavin today. pray that they would be able to wean down his oxygen further and that his vitals will allow. we need his little lungs to start working!!!
we can't do this on our own and so we rejoice in the support we get and knowing that you all follow our updates and can get a glimpse of what we are going through. this is by far the hardest thing we have ever had to experience and endure.

jeramy

TGIF?

TGIF! "thank God it's friday" or "thank goodness it's friday" right? i'm not leaning that way today. while that may be the acronym and they've developed a high calorie/high fat restaurant concept around it, it's not what the Williams family is feeling today. gavin has been having a rough couple of days and i got a call from the NICU this afternoon that on his blood tests it looked like he was showing some sort of infection brewing so they have now begun him on an antibiotic to fight that and hopefully calm him down. he has become less resistant to touches and moves of late and that can certainly be due to the fact that the little guy doesn't feel well. in order to keep him more comfortable they have put him on a sedative drip rather than giving it to him every few hours. his lungs continue to be a little more hazy than yesterday and his heart rate remains slightly elevated - probably stress and rightfully so! we are discouraged by this news and as the Psalmist wrote in Psalm 67 "may Your face shine upon us", we are wondering why it seems God has rather been doing the opposite. feelings are delicate. we all have them and they all play into our decision making on some level or another. they can be so good and yet so bad in some cases. i'm just a man, trying to take the best possible care of his family and wanting to do whatever i can to take the pain away from my wife and my little boy and yet there isn't anything i can do.
tracee just got dropped off at the ER at Shea as she is going to have a blood patch procedure done by an anesthesiologist (her doctor's husband) at about 4:30 to try and solve the issue with her horrible headaches. ever since the spinal she was given to perform the C section, she has dealt with major headaches that really leave her incompacitated. the goal is to draw some of her own blood and reinject it into the spinal column and sort of block the leak that is occuring. we are told that this should provide instant relief for her and so we are praying for wisdom for the doctors and surgeons and that it will be a quick and easy procedure and deliver the results we are looking for. my heart goes out to tracee as she wants so desperately to be back to 100% and has been operating at about 30%.
somewhere in the mix i try and work but i tend to get caught up with doing things like this and doing the best i can to manage information that is given to me by doctors, nurses, specialists, etc and then pass it along to our faithful followers and family.
today has been pretty crappy and frustrating to have things happen to tracee and baby. it really is hard at times because most of these things are like the fraction of a percent of a percent deal - and we get hit with them! maybe we should play the lottery?
pray for a continued calm in the storm for us and for our spirits as they have been stepped on so many times along the way. pray for tracee's procedure to go perfect and FIX the problems and the gavin will RESPOND WONDERFULLY to the treatments.
finally, to all of you parents: hug your kids. love on them. tell them that you love them and that you are thankful for them. we can't hold gavin and we can't hug him. we get to tell him through some plexiglass that we love him and are thankful for him but it's just not the same is it? you never know what you have until you don't have it. so...when your kid is crying or acting up or running when they shouldn't - just stop and be thankful for their ability to do so. thank God for those good and perfect gifts.

jeramy

this hurts

there's this video that is out on Youtube that depicts this guy who has an encounter with God and God is slowly chipping away at him with a hammer and chisel. In fact, I think the video is called "God's Chisel." when God starts hammering away, the guy reacts in pain. i'm that guy right now. this all really hurts. my son, gavin, isn't doing as well this morning. just when we think he is beginning to turn the corner and do better, he takes a step back. i know that i say over and over again that his lungs are immature but they are! he is in this place now with the dr's and the nursing staff that they aren't sure if his heart is contributing to his lungs or if his lungs are contributing to his heart, etc. he has a valve that is open (all babies do) that is pushing blood into his lungs, perhaps, and they really want to see if that will close on it's own. babies born at a normal gestation have that valve naturally close. oh God have mercy and grace upon our family and little gavin!
please pray specifically that he would digest his food as the plan is to continue to increase his feedings even though he isn't getting it all the way through. please pray for this PDA valve to close if it is open and that his heart and lungs would stabalize and relax. please pray that there would be NO lung or heart damage as our little kiddo is working so hard. i feel a little disconnected today. i hate it. i continue to think about Scripture and about God's unfailing love and i turn to that now. please pray for tracee and i and our marriage.
"i am laid low in the dust, preserve my life according to your word." Psalm 119:25. this verse sums up how i'm feeling as i am face down on the ground pleading with God for healing and that he would preserve gavin's life according to His word.

jeramy

f.e.a.r.

i've been told that a good acronym for FEAR is false expectations about reality. i woke up this morning feeling fearful about gavin's future and what kind of progress he is really making. tracee and i prayed on the way to the hospital this morning as our normal routine is for us to carpool and drop her off and then for me to head on to work from there. the Bible is so clear that there is a supernatural and spiritual world/realm that is going on all around us that so often we aren't aware of. from time to time i find myself getting attacked with anxieties and fears and try hard to quickly pull my mind out of those dark places. truth be told, gavin is showing signs of doing well from the reports we get from the dr's and nurses. that truth, sometimes, has a difficult time reaching my heart and mind. he has sick lungs still and the feedings that they have re-introduced into his body are slowly making their way through his bowels but he really needs to poop! as a daddy, and more importantly as a statistics guy, i get obsessed by the numbers and the stats. this is why i love my wife so much because she is the balance i need; to be with gavin at times like this when i get unsure. i got a message from a friend this morning saying "know that you guys are being prayed for, even at times when you can't bring yourself to pray. we have faith and hope on gavin's behalf, even when you guys feel despair. praying for peace for you today."
i was so encouraged by this. i needed this. so, i thank you all for doing this for us and for gavin, behind the scenes when we are unaware. i told tracee that i had heard that it takes about 60 days or so to form a new habit. we know that gavin will be in NICU probably up until his original due date of July 6th. that means that he will spend the first 3 months of his life away from us, but forcing us to pray and deepen our faith and go to God and to the Bible for answers. God is clearly forming new habits in tracee and i.
i have always struggled with fears and anxiety - on various levels. some have been warranted, others not, but regardless they have been there. this journey we are now on has changed my perspective on so many things and helped me try and take life more in stride. every little thing that happens isn't the end of the world!
on a very cool note, we had a realtor forum at work today and our president was in town to give the presentation to them about rates and programs, etc. she happened to mention that my wife had given birth to a 1 pound 3 ounce baby that we are so thankful for. a realtor who was sitting in front of me turned around and said "i've been praying for you guys!" she later confirmed that it was indeed gavin and went on to tell the room about him and how she knew about him and our story through a friend of hers that knows my mother-in-law Karen. what a small world! i felt so encouraged as she shared with me after the meeting that she sits at the computer and reads our story and prays for us. as her eyes began to fill with tears mine did too. some people will say that's just coincidence, but is it? i tend to lean towards God's provision and showing me in that moment that we are cared about and loved and that He continues to watch out for us. I hope this continues to bless you friends.

jeramy

i love my boys!

gosh...it is so nice to be back on the computer and blog again. before i let you all know about our day, i just want to send out the biggest thanks i possibly can to my wonderful, loving husband. he took care of me in a way that i cannot even begin to explain. he kept up with the blog, along with everything else in our life so that i could take care of myself and precious, little gavin. honey...you are my rock. i fall in love with you more and more every day and i thank GOD that He placed you in my life. you have been such a Godly leader. i hope gavin grows up to be just like you.

last night, one of the night time nurses was going to attempt to put a picc line in gavin. they would only try one time and if it wasn't successful, they would try again in a couple days so he wouldn't be too agitated. she was able to place it on his leg and it was perfectly inserted the first time! what an answer to prayer! because they have the picc line inserted now, they were able to take out one of his umilical lines and tomorrow, they will remove another. what a huge blessing. our poor little guy has so many cords and tubes coming in and out of his teeny little body that it is so nice to see a couple of them coming out.

jeramy went back to work today so, since i am unable to drive, he took me to the hospital on his way. when we got there, we were told that they had already done his head ultrasound and his chest x-ray. they would have the results for us by the afternoon. so we waited...

meanwhile, jeramy went in to work and my mom came to stay with me. we did not stay at the hospital though because i had her take me across the street to the doctor's office. i have been having bad headaches when i stand up. they go away instantly when i lay down and when i explained this to the doctor's office, they wanted to see me right away. when i got there, they saw that my blood pressure was still pretty high so they drew some more labs. it could be one of two things, either postpartum preclampsia or a problem with the spinal they gave me prior to my c-section. if it is the problem with the spinal, they will do a blood patch over that spot under anesthesia. go figure...we can't catch a break it seems! we will keep you posted...

when we returned to the hospital from the doctor's office, we were greeted with amazing news...his head ultrasound looked good! if there was something wrong, they rate the problem on a scale of 1-4, 4 being the worst. they rated gavin at less than a 1 (more like a zero). go gavin! that may be the only time that mom will be okay with you scoring a zero on a test, kiddo! i immediately called his daddy to share what God had done and we cried and cried. what a mighty God we serve!

his lungs still look rather hazy on the x-ray so we can continue to pray specifically for that...poor little guy. he just needs strong, clear, healthy lungs!

i spent the rest of the day with my little boy, placing my hands on him, calming him when he became agitated, singing to him, and praying with him. we were joined by jeramy later in the afternoon for his diaper change...jeramy got to change his diaper for the first time. he did wonderful maneuvering around the various cords and, as jeramy put it, "having a 6'2. 200 pound man" trying to change this little one's diaper through two small holes in his incubator was a bit of a challenge!

all in all, it was a wonderful day. gavin is resting as they are trying to keep him as calm and relaxed as possible. i can't wait to see him tomorrow morning. thank you so much for praying for our family as often as you do. we truly believe in the power of prayer and we know that God is at work. we appreciate your continued prayer for gavin's lungs, that they would become more clear and that they would open up more. God has showed us His hand numerous times in these last weeks and we have confidence that He will continue to heal gavin. you all are the best. thanks again!

i have the best life ever...and i love my boys!

1 Peter 5:10-11
And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power forever and ever. Amen.

one foot in front of the other

my folks met us down at the hospital yesterday morning and tracee and i had a chance to talk to the dr's and nursing staff about what had happened the night before. we started to feel more comfortable about the nature of what happened with gavin's breathing tube and that he was never truly without oxygen. his tube is the smallest possible tube they have and so naturally, at times, mucuous or saliva can coat the tube and restrict air or they can dislodge their tubes and this happens occasionally. some encouragement for us was that at one point they had is oxygen level all the way up to 100% but when we showed up it was down to 45%. after spending a couple of hours with gavin and my folks, they took off and we decided to go grab a bite to eat and come back for his 2pm diaper change and touch time. when we came back it was also time for his afternoon xray. they have been keeping a close eye on his lungs and have been looking for them to open up. well, just about 10 minutes after his touch time and xray his heart rate began to drop as well as his oxygenation rate. we obviously started to get worried as things were dropping pretty quick. there were about 5 nurses and respiratory therapists around him when one of the nurse practitioners came in and said "you've got to turn down his oxygen levels, his lungs are hyperinflated and it's squeezing his heart and pushing his diaphragm down." i thought about the word hyperinflated for a minute and knew it wasn't a word we had heard yet relating to gavin. i wanted to make sure i knew what i thought she was saying: his lungs had opened up! after they got things dialed down, he came right back in line and was doing great again. she pulled us into her office to take a look at the xray. it was literally a night and day difference between his 4am chest xray and his 3pm one. his earlier one was real white and hazy and the new one was beautiful! thank you God! from that point on, gavin was fairly active and they all attributed it to the fact that he was probably feeling much better now that his lungs were opened up. they gave him some more sedation to keep him comfortable and after spending about 5 hours in the NICU with him yesterday, we called it a day.
as we drove home we praised the Lord for leading us one step at a time and for giving us great news. thank you to all who have been praying specifically for what we have been asking God for. after having such a horrible night on friday night we made a tough decision to just not call the NICU and to trust in the Lord and pray, and know that if anything concerning was going to happen that the NICU would call. we phoned in this morning and were greeted with news that gavin had a pretty uneventful night and that his lungs continued to look good and they were working to ween his oxygen levels down even further - they now had them down to about 38%. yeah!!! once again the Lord showed Himself faithful to us as we really just had to trust in Him. and He delivered. for both of us, He is really teaching us to be reliant on Him and that He is the one in control. neither tracee nor i can adequately provide for gavin in his condition, so we trust and entrust.
we went to church at SBC and then headed over to the NICU afterwards. tracee and i got a chance to participate in gavin's touch time today! tracee helped change his diaper - which was poopy :-), and i was able to wipe his little eyes and dab his little mouth. it was very special for both of us. the neonatologist gave us an update on his condition. he continues to get little blood transfusions and they continue to keep him sedated to keep him comfortable. he remains on his course of antibiotics but still everything looks as if he does not have any infections. we were notified that they will plan to put in a PICC line this evening and that will serve as his new main line. please pray for this as it is fairly major for these little guys. there are some potential complications with infections and the fact that they have to look for a "big" vein. that simply means there isn't much margin of error with gav as he is so tiny.
finally, he will receive a head ultrasound tomorrow at some point and they will be checking for any major brain bleeds. please, please pray for NO bleeds and fantastic news for us and for him!!! this is probably one of the biggest prayers we have needed to this point. they are all important but this is really big! so the 2 major items on the prayer list right now are the PICC line and the head ultrasound. please continue to pray for peace for us and for wisdom of the medical staff attending to him 24/7. everytime we see him and get a chance to participate in little activities with him, we love him even more. for all of you parents, i know you understand what i mean.
someone left this on our blog as encouragement and it is spot on for where we stand: “Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.” (Mark 11:24)
we believe and trust that you do too. Savior; He can move the mountains, our God is mighty to save, He is might to save.
we are looking forward to bringing you wonderful news of gavin's ultrasound and successful PICC line!

jeramy

discharged and blue

this will be quick. tracee was discharged from the hospital yesterday afternoon which was a huge blessing! we were so glad to get home and begin to rest in our own house and yet torn because we had to leave gavin. we know that he is in the best possible hands as at his size and stature there is nothing tracee and i could possibly do for him. we had a pretty good afternoon here at home and evening - gavin was tolerating his feedings and was receiving his first blood transfusion and all looked ok as of 7:30 when tracee had called. about 11ish we decided to call over to the NICU to check on gavin before bed. when we spoke to the nurse she informed me that he had begun to turn blue and that he must have either dislodged his breathing tube or had a lot of secretions in the way that was blocking it. the oscillator wasn't moving his little belly the way it should. i asked to speak to the dr. after she informed me that he was now returning back to stable. the dr. spoke to us and told us that he had been able to act pretty quickly but that there is no way to tell at this point if any damage had been done to gavin's body. we will have to wait until they do an ultrasound of his brain at about 7 days of life. all kinds of thoughts and emotions began to run through our bodies as we pondered all of this and took it in over the phone. the dr. was so clinical with us calling gavin "the infant." he's our son, he has a name. i was reading in Hebrews 11 this morning about faith. we must believe with conviction that gavin will be healed and that NO damage was done to his body over this!!! "now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
this is what we stand on this morning! we have to remain confident and sure in what we hope for for gavin. for whatever reason the nights are ridiculously hard for us. things seem to get out of control at night and he has his dips during these times. please pray hard for protection over him and for us.
last night we were hit with another blow in an attempt to shake our faith once again. but tracee and i are holding each other tightly and trusting in the living God who heals and still performs miracles on an ongoing basis!
be in prayer with us and pray that today is a really good day and that his lungs begin to take on a whole new ability. we love him more than anything.

jeramy