f.e.a.r.

i've been told that a good acronym for FEAR is false expectations about reality. i woke up this morning feeling fearful about gavin's future and what kind of progress he is really making. tracee and i prayed on the way to the hospital this morning as our normal routine is for us to carpool and drop her off and then for me to head on to work from there. the Bible is so clear that there is a supernatural and spiritual world/realm that is going on all around us that so often we aren't aware of. from time to time i find myself getting attacked with anxieties and fears and try hard to quickly pull my mind out of those dark places. truth be told, gavin is showing signs of doing well from the reports we get from the dr's and nurses. that truth, sometimes, has a difficult time reaching my heart and mind. he has sick lungs still and the feedings that they have re-introduced into his body are slowly making their way through his bowels but he really needs to poop! as a daddy, and more importantly as a statistics guy, i get obsessed by the numbers and the stats. this is why i love my wife so much because she is the balance i need; to be with gavin at times like this when i get unsure. i got a message from a friend this morning saying "know that you guys are being prayed for, even at times when you can't bring yourself to pray. we have faith and hope on gavin's behalf, even when you guys feel despair. praying for peace for you today."
i was so encouraged by this. i needed this. so, i thank you all for doing this for us and for gavin, behind the scenes when we are unaware. i told tracee that i had heard that it takes about 60 days or so to form a new habit. we know that gavin will be in NICU probably up until his original due date of July 6th. that means that he will spend the first 3 months of his life away from us, but forcing us to pray and deepen our faith and go to God and to the Bible for answers. God is clearly forming new habits in tracee and i.
i have always struggled with fears and anxiety - on various levels. some have been warranted, others not, but regardless they have been there. this journey we are now on has changed my perspective on so many things and helped me try and take life more in stride. every little thing that happens isn't the end of the world!
on a very cool note, we had a realtor forum at work today and our president was in town to give the presentation to them about rates and programs, etc. she happened to mention that my wife had given birth to a 1 pound 3 ounce baby that we are so thankful for. a realtor who was sitting in front of me turned around and said "i've been praying for you guys!" she later confirmed that it was indeed gavin and went on to tell the room about him and how she knew about him and our story through a friend of hers that knows my mother-in-law Karen. what a small world! i felt so encouraged as she shared with me after the meeting that she sits at the computer and reads our story and prays for us. as her eyes began to fill with tears mine did too. some people will say that's just coincidence, but is it? i tend to lean towards God's provision and showing me in that moment that we are cared about and loved and that He continues to watch out for us. I hope this continues to bless you friends.

jeramy

i love my boys!

gosh...it is so nice to be back on the computer and blog again. before i let you all know about our day, i just want to send out the biggest thanks i possibly can to my wonderful, loving husband. he took care of me in a way that i cannot even begin to explain. he kept up with the blog, along with everything else in our life so that i could take care of myself and precious, little gavin. honey...you are my rock. i fall in love with you more and more every day and i thank GOD that He placed you in my life. you have been such a Godly leader. i hope gavin grows up to be just like you.

last night, one of the night time nurses was going to attempt to put a picc line in gavin. they would only try one time and if it wasn't successful, they would try again in a couple days so he wouldn't be too agitated. she was able to place it on his leg and it was perfectly inserted the first time! what an answer to prayer! because they have the picc line inserted now, they were able to take out one of his umilical lines and tomorrow, they will remove another. what a huge blessing. our poor little guy has so many cords and tubes coming in and out of his teeny little body that it is so nice to see a couple of them coming out.

jeramy went back to work today so, since i am unable to drive, he took me to the hospital on his way. when we got there, we were told that they had already done his head ultrasound and his chest x-ray. they would have the results for us by the afternoon. so we waited...

meanwhile, jeramy went in to work and my mom came to stay with me. we did not stay at the hospital though because i had her take me across the street to the doctor's office. i have been having bad headaches when i stand up. they go away instantly when i lay down and when i explained this to the doctor's office, they wanted to see me right away. when i got there, they saw that my blood pressure was still pretty high so they drew some more labs. it could be one of two things, either postpartum preclampsia or a problem with the spinal they gave me prior to my c-section. if it is the problem with the spinal, they will do a blood patch over that spot under anesthesia. go figure...we can't catch a break it seems! we will keep you posted...

when we returned to the hospital from the doctor's office, we were greeted with amazing news...his head ultrasound looked good! if there was something wrong, they rate the problem on a scale of 1-4, 4 being the worst. they rated gavin at less than a 1 (more like a zero). go gavin! that may be the only time that mom will be okay with you scoring a zero on a test, kiddo! i immediately called his daddy to share what God had done and we cried and cried. what a mighty God we serve!

his lungs still look rather hazy on the x-ray so we can continue to pray specifically for that...poor little guy. he just needs strong, clear, healthy lungs!

i spent the rest of the day with my little boy, placing my hands on him, calming him when he became agitated, singing to him, and praying with him. we were joined by jeramy later in the afternoon for his diaper change...jeramy got to change his diaper for the first time. he did wonderful maneuvering around the various cords and, as jeramy put it, "having a 6'2. 200 pound man" trying to change this little one's diaper through two small holes in his incubator was a bit of a challenge!

all in all, it was a wonderful day. gavin is resting as they are trying to keep him as calm and relaxed as possible. i can't wait to see him tomorrow morning. thank you so much for praying for our family as often as you do. we truly believe in the power of prayer and we know that God is at work. we appreciate your continued prayer for gavin's lungs, that they would become more clear and that they would open up more. God has showed us His hand numerous times in these last weeks and we have confidence that He will continue to heal gavin. you all are the best. thanks again!

i have the best life ever...and i love my boys!

1 Peter 5:10-11
And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power forever and ever. Amen.

one foot in front of the other

my folks met us down at the hospital yesterday morning and tracee and i had a chance to talk to the dr's and nursing staff about what had happened the night before. we started to feel more comfortable about the nature of what happened with gavin's breathing tube and that he was never truly without oxygen. his tube is the smallest possible tube they have and so naturally, at times, mucuous or saliva can coat the tube and restrict air or they can dislodge their tubes and this happens occasionally. some encouragement for us was that at one point they had is oxygen level all the way up to 100% but when we showed up it was down to 45%. after spending a couple of hours with gavin and my folks, they took off and we decided to go grab a bite to eat and come back for his 2pm diaper change and touch time. when we came back it was also time for his afternoon xray. they have been keeping a close eye on his lungs and have been looking for them to open up. well, just about 10 minutes after his touch time and xray his heart rate began to drop as well as his oxygenation rate. we obviously started to get worried as things were dropping pretty quick. there were about 5 nurses and respiratory therapists around him when one of the nurse practitioners came in and said "you've got to turn down his oxygen levels, his lungs are hyperinflated and it's squeezing his heart and pushing his diaphragm down." i thought about the word hyperinflated for a minute and knew it wasn't a word we had heard yet relating to gavin. i wanted to make sure i knew what i thought she was saying: his lungs had opened up! after they got things dialed down, he came right back in line and was doing great again. she pulled us into her office to take a look at the xray. it was literally a night and day difference between his 4am chest xray and his 3pm one. his earlier one was real white and hazy and the new one was beautiful! thank you God! from that point on, gavin was fairly active and they all attributed it to the fact that he was probably feeling much better now that his lungs were opened up. they gave him some more sedation to keep him comfortable and after spending about 5 hours in the NICU with him yesterday, we called it a day.
as we drove home we praised the Lord for leading us one step at a time and for giving us great news. thank you to all who have been praying specifically for what we have been asking God for. after having such a horrible night on friday night we made a tough decision to just not call the NICU and to trust in the Lord and pray, and know that if anything concerning was going to happen that the NICU would call. we phoned in this morning and were greeted with news that gavin had a pretty uneventful night and that his lungs continued to look good and they were working to ween his oxygen levels down even further - they now had them down to about 38%. yeah!!! once again the Lord showed Himself faithful to us as we really just had to trust in Him. and He delivered. for both of us, He is really teaching us to be reliant on Him and that He is the one in control. neither tracee nor i can adequately provide for gavin in his condition, so we trust and entrust.
we went to church at SBC and then headed over to the NICU afterwards. tracee and i got a chance to participate in gavin's touch time today! tracee helped change his diaper - which was poopy :-), and i was able to wipe his little eyes and dab his little mouth. it was very special for both of us. the neonatologist gave us an update on his condition. he continues to get little blood transfusions and they continue to keep him sedated to keep him comfortable. he remains on his course of antibiotics but still everything looks as if he does not have any infections. we were notified that they will plan to put in a PICC line this evening and that will serve as his new main line. please pray for this as it is fairly major for these little guys. there are some potential complications with infections and the fact that they have to look for a "big" vein. that simply means there isn't much margin of error with gav as he is so tiny.
finally, he will receive a head ultrasound tomorrow at some point and they will be checking for any major brain bleeds. please, please pray for NO bleeds and fantastic news for us and for him!!! this is probably one of the biggest prayers we have needed to this point. they are all important but this is really big! so the 2 major items on the prayer list right now are the PICC line and the head ultrasound. please continue to pray for peace for us and for wisdom of the medical staff attending to him 24/7. everytime we see him and get a chance to participate in little activities with him, we love him even more. for all of you parents, i know you understand what i mean.
someone left this on our blog as encouragement and it is spot on for where we stand: “Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.” (Mark 11:24)
we believe and trust that you do too. Savior; He can move the mountains, our God is mighty to save, He is might to save.
we are looking forward to bringing you wonderful news of gavin's ultrasound and successful PICC line!

jeramy

discharged and blue

this will be quick. tracee was discharged from the hospital yesterday afternoon which was a huge blessing! we were so glad to get home and begin to rest in our own house and yet torn because we had to leave gavin. we know that he is in the best possible hands as at his size and stature there is nothing tracee and i could possibly do for him. we had a pretty good afternoon here at home and evening - gavin was tolerating his feedings and was receiving his first blood transfusion and all looked ok as of 7:30 when tracee had called. about 11ish we decided to call over to the NICU to check on gavin before bed. when we spoke to the nurse she informed me that he had begun to turn blue and that he must have either dislodged his breathing tube or had a lot of secretions in the way that was blocking it. the oscillator wasn't moving his little belly the way it should. i asked to speak to the dr. after she informed me that he was now returning back to stable. the dr. spoke to us and told us that he had been able to act pretty quickly but that there is no way to tell at this point if any damage had been done to gavin's body. we will have to wait until they do an ultrasound of his brain at about 7 days of life. all kinds of thoughts and emotions began to run through our bodies as we pondered all of this and took it in over the phone. the dr. was so clinical with us calling gavin "the infant." he's our son, he has a name. i was reading in Hebrews 11 this morning about faith. we must believe with conviction that gavin will be healed and that NO damage was done to his body over this!!! "now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
this is what we stand on this morning! we have to remain confident and sure in what we hope for for gavin. for whatever reason the nights are ridiculously hard for us. things seem to get out of control at night and he has his dips during these times. please pray hard for protection over him and for us.
last night we were hit with another blow in an attempt to shake our faith once again. but tracee and i are holding each other tightly and trusting in the living God who heals and still performs miracles on an ongoing basis!
be in prayer with us and pray that today is a really good day and that his lungs begin to take on a whole new ability. we love him more than anything.

jeramy

rain, rain go away

i heard that the weather was nice today. from the window i didn't see any rainclouds or evidence of wet streets, but in here, we were singing that little rhyme "rain rain go away, come again another day." tracee woke me up this morning at 5:50 scared about some twitching she was experiencing due to a mild epileptic condition that she has. she hasn't had any issues in about a year but they are brought on by stress, fatigue and anxiety. hmmmm...have we had any of that? i need to be better about making sure she gets the rest she needs but quite frankly i was so excited to be getting her back to normal that i didn't think much about it. so we shut it down hard core here today - no visitors, and signs posted on the door stating "mom sleeping." her and i both did so. i was able to lay in bed with her today and both of us got the best sleep we have had in weeks. even though we won't be bringing gavin home with us, we are excited to begin to get some things back to normal and having a chance to live again.
it looks like gavin will continue to be on the oscillator for another week or so but they were able to bring down some of his oxygen levels through that machine and still keep his oxygenation rate in the range they want which is exciting for us! he isn't on any more dopamine and was able to get his first feeding today (as i said, a micro amount) and that seemed to go ok. they only introduce food to their little guts at this age to begin to get them ready for some real nutrition later on. tracee was able to provide his feeding! she was able to get a couple of mL's into a bottle but that is all it takes! a couple of nurses were telling me how adorable they thought he was and i agree. :-)
one of the moms in there today was telling me about her baby who is one of gavin's podmates. he is 36.5 weeks old now but was born at 26.2 and was 2.5 pounds. he now weighs 5lb.14oz. although he wasn't really growth restricted like gavin, it is exciting to see how much he has grown and that he is in a position to go home in a few weeks after being in there since January 26th.
gavin remains under the spotlight and his lungs are still hazy on the xrays, but we remain steadfast in the Lord and rejuvenated by those who provide scripture to us and words of encouragement. i pray over his little giraffe incubator everytime i go and visit him. every little detail about him is perfect. God didn't make any mistakes. He is now using gavin to grow tracee and i. my son is ministering to us and that isn't exactly how we had planned it. nevertheless, we desire to just take it day by day. you can specifically pray for his lungs to open up some more and that he will continue to tolerate his feedings. you can pray for his blood pressures and an upcoming blood transfusion that he will most certainly need. you can pray for tracee's improved health as we begin to approach a discharge date and time. you can pray for rest for me and calm in the storms of my family. thank you dear friends and others that we don't know who read, it is an encouragement to us.
God bless you all.

jeramy

catching some rays

today was a much better day than yesterday. thank God!! we really needed that and He delivered. today i had a chance to take my dad into the NICU to see gavin and then tracee's sister aimee was able to come by and see him as well. about that time they placed him under a special light to help give him some color back as he has started to become a bit jaundiced. so gavin is catching some rays for the next couple of days under the light. he continues to stay sedated so he remains quiet and content and they can treat him the way they need to without him being too upset. they started a round of antibiotics on him today too as a precautionary measure. my brother josh stopped by this evening and we all went in as that was my first time to see him under the light. he has a cool little pair of "sunglasses" on to keep the light out of his eyes. he is adorable! tracee and i just keep admiring him and saying how beautiful he is. we thought his hair was much darker than it is, but under the light you can really tell that it's a bit lighter. today was exciting for us as they were able to ween gavin off of dopamine (used to help raise his blood pressure)and then he can begin his feedings. they have placed a tube down to his stomach to slowly see how that will go. please pray that he will tolerate this as his little gut is so immature. he is going to get a whopping 1mL every 6 hours of breast milk!
tracee is getting back to normal as she was able to get her IV out today and she is starting to walk around which is awesome. she was able to take a shower a bit ago and i know that makes her feel better. it was special for tracee to get to spend some time in the NICU with gavin all by herself today. she was over there for about 45 minutes with him - so glad she could have some mommy/son time :-) we have been told time and again that this process will be 1 step forward and 2 steps back. i think we are starting to get an understanding of that but we continue to pray and have you pray for more steps forwards than backwards. God doesn't make mistakes and He knew exactly what He was doing in gavin's timeline. we have to continually remind ourselves of that. please pray for the NICU dr's and nurses as they pour into our little one.
thank you to those who have helped with meals, it is so nice to have food brought in and just one less thing to think about. we are still asking that visitors hold off from visiting for another day as tracee tries to get the rest she needs and me too! i have slept very little of late and need to be refreshed for both tracee and gavin. "in the day of trouble i will call to You, for You will answer me. for You are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God." Psalm 86:7,10
go suns!!

jeramy

i'm humbled

i'm trying to write this right now and i have to stop and lean my head back against the wall and stare to the Heavens as i look for composure. i'm choking back tears as i type this very moment. when we discovered that there were complications and issues we would have to overcome, we decided in that moment that we would give God all of the glory and prayed that these circumstances would draw people close to Jesus. we are seeing that unfold before our very eyes. as i check facebook or read the comments on the blog, i am unable to contain myself. scripture tells us that the words of the Lord are sharper than any 2 edged sword, able to separate bone from sinew (paraphrase) and that is absolutely true. i am cut to the core as i read some of the responses and posts from you all. my life will never be the same. i don't have much else to say; other than thank you. please continue to post and to share with us all what God is doing in and through you during this time.
tracee is recovering slowly but surely and that is encouraging and a blessing to me. on another note, my dad called today to let me know that my mom was admitted to scottsdale thompson peak hospital this afternoon with an unknown GI issue but that it could possibly be colitis or a bad bacterial infection. so, i've got both my wife and my mom on morphine in 2 different hospitals at the same time. it really just is what it is. we are praying for 24 hours of good news, taking it 1 day at a time.

jeramy

4/5/10, 8:11, 11.5, 540 and a bunch of other numbers

gavin james williams was welcomed into the world by a NICU staff of 5, 3 doctors and an anesthesiologist - oh and tracee and i of course. i did my best impression of paparazzi with a flip in one hand and our camera in the other. it was hard to do that and hold tracee's hand at the same time. nevertheless he made his entrance at 8:11pm last night on april 5th. it's an unbelievable experience. to everyone out there that is a parent and has witnessed a c section delivery before you understand. but for us, witnessing it at the minute level that we witnessed it is something else. i remember thinking and probably saying "he's so small." and he is. 1 lb. 3oz. and 11.5 inches long. this kid is awesome. he is doing pretty darn good if i don't say so myself and i was obviously reassured by the doctors and the team of NICU staff that said so themselves. one really cool thing that gavin did was pee all up the respiratory staff member's arm as they laid him on his incubator bed in the OR. this is super special to me because when i was born, just before they weighed me, i peed all over the nurse! like father like son. once they got him all situated in the NICU with making sure his tubes were in the right places, i was able to come out and talk to our families. it was so great having them here as support. i got to ring the baby chime to celebrate gavin's entrance!
after getting everyone updated and showing them some pictures, i went down to visit with tracee. she was at rest and somewhat out of it (understandably) but i was able to show her some pictures and rejoice with her over our new bundle of joy. we prayed and thanked God for him. i said goodbye to our families and sent them in to say goodnight to tracee. we were privaleged to have bill and amy cavness with us. they continue to support and provide counsel to tracee and i and we love them very much.
after they all left i went down to check on gavin one last time and wish him a goodnight too. since they were pretty happy with his vitals and numbers we are pretty happy.
i just want to drive home the continued plea for prayers for gavin. the first week is very critical in terms of potential brain bleeds and other complications that might come up. the doctor came in today (one of the neonatologists) and explained what is going on for gavin. babies can sometimes have a honeymoon stage for the first couple of days where they appear to be doing better than they are. we STAND FIRM in God's provision and TRUST that He will continue to cup gavin in His hands and get him through this most critical time. pray for his health and safety!! pray fervently friends. tracee and i have been brought to tears so many times over posts to the blog that you have left and for messages on fb, via text and emails.
"we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 2:8-9.
more to come.

jeramy

7:30pm

baby gavin is on his way in less than an hour. please pray for the Lord's provision and for the perfect care that we know He will provide.
we are getting tracee all prepped now and i'm just about to get a bite to eat and get my mind right before we head in. the nurses are keeping tracee's spirits up and i'm doing my best as well. parenthood is upon us and then we will begin our next part of the journey: recouperating tracee and nurturing baby gavin.
thank you to all -

jeramy

the question

"to be or not to be, that is the question" as we have all heard it.
well for us it has become to deliver or not to deliver: that truly is the question. right now we have some medical debate over whether it is time or not and it continues to put tracee and i back to placing our hope and trust in the Lord. baby gavin scored another 8of8 on his biophysical profile today. he had the hiccups on the ultrasound :-). both tracee and he have been lethargic due to the medicines she has been on as we balance the progression of gavin in the womb and the preeclampsia in tracee. this is so hard for us, i won't even begin to sugar coat the ups and downs we have experienced for several weeks now and especially in the last week since we have been in here. we know that your thoughts and prayers continue to go out to us and for us and we are forever grateful for that. our thought has been that we feel privelaged that this circumstance has caused so many people to cry out to God and to pray for us and for gavin. we know that God has purpose in all He does and if people have drawn closer to Him in this time, amen. we are tired. from air mattresses that continue to deflate in the middle of the night to tracee trying to find a comfortable place being hooked up to any and everything, makes it quite challenging.
the weather looks like it's nice out there but i wouldn't know. neither tracee nor i have been outside since saturday. if i never hear another blood pressure monitor beep or an IV pump chirp when it's empty, I'll be ok. obviously you can sense some frustrations; it's just me being real.
if there are things that i'm not addressing or any questions or concerns that you might have, please leave us a comment on the blog and i'll do my best to address it. like so many psalmists did, they rattled off complaints and frustrations and then always made sure to end with acknowledgement of the Lord. i will do the same. it's so nice to know that we have a paraclete, a helper who goes before us and prepares a path and defends us in our time of need. He hears the cries of His children and He fights for us.

jeramy